Of Socks and Shoes (and toothbrushes and soap)

We live in a time and place where we have unlimited resources to help us prepare for parenthood. When I was expecting and then a new mom, I read and read and read. There were books and magazines, and a handful of blogs. Now there are an amazing number of blogs, Facebook groups, Instagrammers, Pinners, etc. Any question you might wonder about parenting, you'll most likely find in abundance.

Regardless of how much we talk to other moms, read about being a parent, or research all the right decisions, the truth is nothing can prepare someone for motherhood completely. There are just things you could never expect (or, even if someone told you, you might brush off or not realize how that piece of advice might be experienced in real time). 

One of those things for me is how often I have to repeat myself. Now, I'm sure part of this is my own fault. I am somewhat strict as a parent, but certainly not exceptionally strict. I believe in grace and apply it liberally. Not that my children don't have responsibilities or face consequences when they break rules, but I try to be flexible when a situation deems it. (Okay, quite often I'm also just plain distractible.) I also don't tend to dole out punishments for small things.

But really...

How many times do I have to say "put your shoes on" when I've given them a 20 minute countdown 'til time for us to leave?

How many times do I have to ask, "Did you wash with soap while you were in the bathtub for 2 hours?"

How many times do I need to remind my children to brush their teeth after breakfast AND before bed?

Honestly, after a decade (give or take) of hearing these things, you'd think they'd get it.

But that's my job. 

To hold them accountable to good habits and responsibilities.

To remind them to do things they get distracted from (especially since I understand this one in spades!).

To keep teaching them, guiding them, and leading them to become responsible, people-loving, God-honoring adults.

And I know they will get it!

My 15-year-old is a big encouragement. Not that we don't deal with typical teen issues, but she seems to have integrated all the everyday lessons I've been trying to impart her whole life. Her younger siblings have them in part. Of course, the youngest needs the most guidance. So I cling to the success I see and keep on (deep breath) patiently reminding and checking in to make sure things are done that are supposed to be done.

And isn't that the way the Lord is with us? There are so many lessons I've learned and relearned (and relearned) in my life as a believer. How quickly I forget His truths and start to depend on myself and my limited knowledge and strength. Over and over and over again.

Yet, the Lord is ever-patient. He continues to guide and teach and correct and lead me. I'm so thankful He does! Aren't you?

So the next time your telling your child put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher, brush their hair, or actually put their clothes away when they take them off, remember how long-suffering and gentle the Lord is with you. Filling up with His grace will help you (and me) extend grace to our children and gently keep them on track.

So, what are the things do you get to teach your children over and over?

And what is something you've ever grateful the Lord teaches and reminds you over and over?

Determined

I've been called stubborn before. Once or twice. And in the last few years especially I've come to appreciate my stubbornness. You see, I was given not one, but two strong-willed children. If I hadn't been given such steadfast spirit, my sweet young girls would be completely spoiled rotten at this point - because they got tenaciousness in spades.

I must give an example here. When one of these sweet girls was three, she would come to the kitchen every morning and ask for candy. Somewhere between three and ten times. Every morning. For about six months. Despite getting the same answer every time she asked. And by the grace of God I did give her the same answer each time she asked (We don't have candy for breakfast.)

Now, as a child and young woman my stubbornness often was to my detriment and got me in trouble. I won't put you through the misery (or entertainment, okay - my misery at having to recount the times I fell) of those stories.

It's in my growing closer to God and experiencing the benefit of determination as a mom that I've become to appreciate this dogged spirit He instilled - and has grown - in me. 

When I put my mind to do something, I generally follow through. It's why I published four books last hear and plan to publish eight this year. It's why I'm able to homeschool for seven years through changing circumstances. It's what got me up between five and five-thirty in the morning to exercise (when I was doing so.) It's what keeps me picking up after my family, feeding my family, and loving my family - even on days I don't feel like doing any of it. It's what made me lose 2 pounds during my third trimester of my first pregnancy.

I can be stubborn, tenacious, and determined. When I choose to be.

Which makes me wonder about the times I simply give in. When I fall back into bad habits, when I ignore what needs to be done, when I let go of my goals. Part of it, I believe, is due to the intensity I attack tasks with. Sometimes I simply get tired.

But that can't be the whole answer.

Being a part of a group of women who go through the same struggles, who have a desire to grow in their faith and be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend they can be reminds me I am always battling the flesh and my spiritual enemy.

Be serious! Be alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around 

like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him 

and be firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are 

being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.

1 Peter 5:8-9

I must be alert and aware. It's easier to be self-focused and give into what doesn't take much effort and energy. But I know God made me for more than that. I have to do more than know it, though. I have to cling to it and to Him.

It helps to know my sisters struggle with the same things. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to spur each other on and encourage each other in our faith walk. 

To be reminded that my stubbornness can be used for good - for me and for others. And that's why I'm #determined!

Who's in Charge?

It never fails to surprise me when I hear parents say, "He didn't want to," or "She didn't feel like it." Not that I'm cold and uncaring about my children's feelings, but often I hear these words about children following through on a commitment or a chore or even schoolwork. And I think: Who's in charge here?

Too often, it's the child, not the parent.

I sometimes even catch myself doing it. Letting my child dictate his or her own actions when really, I should push back more. I should stick to my word better. I know this, and still I fall short.

However, I often wonder if other parents are aware of this (not all parents, of course, just some who seem to get run over by their children.

As a family counselor of troubled teens, I saw this constantly. Parents who let children dictate their own lives (and sometimes the parents' too!). Then the parent would generally throw their hands up in the air in wonder when things went haywire or their child rebelled.

Now, it was a whole lot easier for me to dole out parenting advice before I actually became one. I had no idea how my emotions would become so entangled in my parenting. That even though I know the right thing to do most of the time (certainly not all the time!), I don't always do it because I'm tired or frustrated or distracted or just plain weak.

Nevertheless, I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that I am the one ultimately in charge. I have authority over my child and his/her life. This doesn't mean that I dictate every decision my child makes. There has to be balance and children have to be able to make decisions to become responsible, independent adults. They learn to make small decisions when they are small and best handle bigger decisions as they grow bigger. Yet still, they are not in control of their lives. They should be in control of some decisions, but not their entire lives. Not until they're ready to be fully responsible for their entire lives.

Yet many parents don't embrace their rightful place as having authority. We have swung the pendulum of parenting from authoritarian (rules rule the roost) to permissive (rules?), neither which is best for a child or the family as a whole. Instead, authoritative parenting has proven to be the most effective time and time again. That means the parent is in charge (i.e. holds the authority), but engages the child in love, life, and some autonomy in decisions.

So how do we put this into practice? 

First, we as parents must recognize that we are in charge, and we are in charge for a reason. Think how much more you know about life than you did when you were five or ten or fifteen. You have life, experience, and a wealth of information to pull from. Your child has very little of each of these.

Second, we have to realize that discipline is a form of love and children grow up much more healthier with balanced boundaries. Letting them have their way or tell you what they are or are not going to do (not little things, but bigger things like follow through on a commitment, go to a family function, follow family rules, etc.) creates a self-centered, selfish, and often very immature adult.

Third, we should remember that most battles are short lived. Now, I have two strong-willed children, so I know what it means to say no to the same questions a dozen times a day for months on end. But they eventually get it. I also have seen that most times a child gets upset with boundaries being set and held to, they will recover pretty quickly. Even if it's a day or two, it will be much better in the long run to hold on to your word. Even if it's a week or two, or a month or two (the times seem to often get longer as they get older). All we have to do is outlast them - most of the time. (None of us are capable of holding on ALL the time!)

So, the next time your child tells you "no" to something that really matters or something that they committed to or something that you need to stick to just because you already let it fly out of your mouth, remember that you are in charge for a reason - and that reason is because you know best for your child, love them, and want them to grow up to be healthy, balanced, caring individuals.