Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Balancing Feelings

I struggled today when talking about one of my children. Overwhelmed with emotion I didn't expect, I could barely get the words out.

Fortunately, this struggle isn't due to any trouble my child has gotten in or major difficulty she is experiencing. Today, the emotions were about balancing my feelings, my calling, and her feelings and need for me.

This is something many mothers go through every day.

I am fortunate enough to be an at home mom. Something I never dreamed or imagined I'd be, but yet I love it greatly. I get to be with my babies every day. Almost.

You see, I've also been called to write and speak. To serve and love. To go and tell.

Over the last four years I've been speaking with Stonecroft Ministries. I've had the honor to be a part of this organization which sends me throughout my region to share my story of redemption by the grace of God. I don't travel too often, nor too long. Generally about every other to every three months and at most for two nights.

I also run a women's conference which takes me away a couple days each year. This year I was honored to be asked to share my testimony at a young women's conference. Again, gone a couple days. Once in a while (about every 2-3 years), my hubby and I take the time to get away just by ourselves, the longest being a work trip that took me away for 4 nights.

I love the life God has called me to, even if it's hard to be away at times. I'm blessed to not only be at home with my sweet babies, however, but to also homeschool them. So I am with them almost every day, all day. It makes it easier to go (and get a break), especially when it's only a day or two.

However, I am preparing for one of the biggest trips of my life. And longest. I'm signed up for a 12 day mission trip to Kenya, Africa this spring. I have had a desire to go on an international mission trip for almost 20 years and a heart's longing to go to Africa for about a year. I'm am so excited!

But it means leaving my babies for 12 whole days. I believe I will be fine. I'll be busy. I'll be experiencing new, wonderful, sometimes scary, things.

I also believe 3 of my children will be fine. They get excited about the adventures I plan for them when I'm gone, and if not that, they are at least distracted by the schoolwork I leave them and the regular routine. My precious 3rd child, however, is the one who cause the overflow of emotions today. She does not do well when I'm gone. She has stomach aches and cries herself to sleep. Not every time, but often enough.

I wonder how she will survive Mommy gone for almost 2 weeks. And thus the struggle.

I know I'm meant to go. God has made that clear. My mommy heart is having a hard time with the hurt of my child, however.

So I struggle to balance it all.

I know I can't stay home and disobey God. I have explained that to her. Also, that there are many, many children out there who don't have a mommy to hold and kiss them every day and part of what I'm doing is to show just a few of those children that kind of love, if for but a few days. She's okay with all that, she just wants to go with me.

It is hard. To leave a child who will ache desperately while I'm gone. Like many mothers have to do on a daily, weekly, lifelong basis.

How do we balance it?

By trusting God. That He knows what He's doing and loves that child infinitely more than I ever could. That He has called me to this life for His purpose. And that He will work His purpose in her life as well, using even her heartache to draw her closer to Him. To know that she is His.

And so I go, making sure I do everything I can to leave pieces of my love for her to experience while I'm gone. And promising unlimited hugs and snuggles when I return.

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